Fear. For so long I’ve let it dictate my life. One thing I will say is the bf has been amazing being my rock. He’s encouraged me to open up and share my fears with him. While it hasn’t been easy for me it’s been refreshing to share my fears and insecurities with him. As we all know it’s scary to be vulnerable to another person, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past. Will they use these fears against me? I can honestly say the bf won’t. He genuinely wants to help me.
One of my biggest fears has always been that I am not enough. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. And so on. It may seem silly to have this fear. I project the image of being a strong, independent woman, but that’s hardly the case. I think my fear of being not enough has always stemmed from the fact I am adopted. I’ve always questioned why I was abandoned in an alley, left to die by my biological parents. Thankfully they had enough foresight to leave me outside of an orphanage, in the hopes I would be found. I’m one of the lucky ones that was eventually adopted. There are many who were not as lucky. I always ask myself what was the reason I was abandoned. Was it because I wasn’t what they wanted? Was it because I was a girl? Why? Sadly I don’t think I’ll ever have the answer to those questions. Girls in S. Korea who were abandoned very rarely are able to locate their biological parents. Part of Asian culture I guess. Girls were the throwaways. Do I hate my biological parents, no. They must have had their reasons for what they did. Does it make it hurt any less, no. No one wants to be abandoned, regardless of the reason. The bf constantly reassures me that I am more than enough.
Another fear I have that people I love leave me. I’ve dealt with my share of heartbreak losing many people I love; my mother, brother, grandfather & grandmother, aunt, etc. Because of this fear I often put up walls and am terrified to get close to anyone, in the fear they will die and leave me too.
Sharing these fears with the bf hasn’t been easy. It’s scary to be vulerable. To share my true feelings and fears. But as he’s reassured me in doing so it becomes a shared burden. I no longer have to suffer alone.