Tag Archives: stuck in a rut

Happy…?

Recently one of my friends asked me if I was happy.  Without thinking I automatically answered, “Of course!”?  I mean why wouldn’t I be right? I have a job (and am getting a raise this year!), I have a man who loves me with his whole heart, I own a home, and have money, food, and clothing.  I have a lot more than most people could say…. but am I happy?

The honest answer… no, and I haven’t been for some time.

I often feel like I wear a mask, I put on the happy face, and I hate to say it, pretend.  I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life, but few people (family or friends) would ever know that fact.  Why is that? Because it scares me to let them see the true me.  (Don’t worry though I’ve never felt so depressed that I would make any rash decisions.  There was one time in my life that I had ever considered that… but couldn’t accept the hurt I would cause).

So happiness… I want to be happy.  I want this empty feeling to go away.  I want to feel passionate about my job, career, life…. so how can I do that?

Find my passion.  I’ve considered taking up photography, for now at least as a hobby.  I’ve always loved taking pictures, and at times am able to take (what I think are) good pictures.

Next, I need to make peace with my job.  I don’t like feeling angry all the time, and just pissed off. It takes a toll on me.  This past year due to being angry and pissed off caused me to lose sleep and feel more stressed than ever.  As a teacher I felt detached and hate to admit it spent much of the year “winging it” because I just didn’t have the effort or the drive to put my time and/or energy into it.  The kiddos don’t deserve that. It’s not their fault the morale at the school sucks.  I am fortunate I have coworkers who support me and check on me to make sure I’m hanging in there.  Even now I remember all of my teachers (good and bad).  I don’t want my students to look back with regret at their time in my classroom.

Another thing I’m going to work on is writing more.  It always feels better for me to write and get my feelings out.  Otherwise, I spent countless hours just over thinking everything, which in turns just stresses me out more.

I also want to take more chances, nothing dangerous of course! I miss doing new things, trying new things, going and seeing new things, LIVING.  I hate to say it but I’m an introvert and at times it’s just easier to say no and stay in.  I NEED to make the effort to participate more in life. Because otherwise nothing is going to change, and I’ll just continue to feel like I’m in this rut and I’m tired of it.

Stuck in the rut….

Awhile ago I wrote about how I felt like I was stuck in a rut.  I hated my job, my life, and just felt numb.   Sadly, I can’t say much has changed since then  For the past 3 months now I’ve been interviewing for a new teaching job, but with little success. It’s beyond frustrating to keep interviewing without a positive result.  I am SO over it all, but I don’t want to be resigned to a job that I HATE. With every fiber in my being I DO NOT want to go back to work at the school I am at.  It’s a train wreck.  I have never hated a job as much as I do this one.  If I could financially quit I would.  It’s sad because I love most of the kiddos there. It’s not their fault that people in power have made poor decisions that have or will affect them.  It’s not their fault no one has a FUCKING clue what a hell hole that place is.  I HATE feeling like this.  I hate feeling numb.  I need something to change.