A lot has happened in the past few months.
- I moved out of the townhouse.
- We put the house on the market
- Had 12 offers and after some consideration accepted an offer after the house was on the market for less than 24 hours.
- I’m in the process of filing for divorce.
With all the change happening it often feels like a whirlwind.
At times when I stop and reflect I think… This isn’t supposed to be what my life is at this point of my life. Shouldn’t I be settled down with a family enjoying life? And yet I’m soon to be single again and to be honest it terrifies me. I’ve never been one to “need” a man, but appreciated having one by my side. To have that absence is hard at times, after getting used to that feeling. But as I tell myself there is nothing wrong with being single. If I’m meant to be with someone it will happen. Why spend time and effort on something out of my control. I was tired of pretending that everything was ok, when really it wasn’t. I was tired of living in a loveless marriage thinking that was what I deserved.
So yes change is scary, terrifying even… but what’s scarier than that? Regret. I never want to look back on my life and think I wasted it.
Marriage is hard.
There I said it. The one thing no one wants to admit. But you know what, I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. I know of TONS of people who feel the same way that I do.
I’m not naive enough to think marriage is going to be a walk in the park, and that everyone gets the fairy tale ending. (Even as awesome as that would be… right?) Sorry tangent there.
Anyways, marriage is having a partner, someone you can talk to, depend on, someone to truly share your life with. The one that will put you first, that will love you with their whole heart, that will try to laugh more than they make you cry… right? What if that isn’t necessarily the case?
I guess in a perfect world that’s what marriage would be like. But in the real world we are all over worked and exhausted, we hardly have time to eat, sleep, and work….and due to that things often fall to the wayside.
I miss intimacy that we once had. I miss feeling his kiss, making him smile and laugh, I miss what we once were.
So where do we go from here? I’m not one to throw in the towel… but I feel the longer I ignore these feelings the more I sacrifice my own happiness.
The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him. But when did HIS feelings take precedence over my own?
I am so confused as to what I should do…