Fear. For so long I’ve let it dictate my life. One thing I will say is the bf has been amazing being my rock. He’s encouraged me to open up and share my fears with him. While it hasn’t been easy for me it’s been refreshing to share my fears and insecurities with him. As we all know it’s scary to be vulnerable to another person, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past. Will they use these fears against me? I can honestly say the bf won’t. He genuinely wants to help me.
One of my biggest fears has always been that I am not enough. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. And so on. It may seem silly to have this fear. I project the image of being a strong, independent woman, but that’s hardly the case. I think my fear of being not enough has always stemmed from the fact I am adopted. I’ve always questioned why I was abandoned in an alley, left to die by my biological parents. Thankfully they had enough foresight to leave me outside of an orphanage, in the hopes I would be found. I’m one of the lucky ones that was eventually adopted. There are many who were not as lucky. I always ask myself what was the reason I was abandoned. Was it because I wasn’t what they wanted? Was it because I was a girl? Why? Sadly I don’t think I’ll ever have the answer to those questions. Girls in S. Korea who were abandoned very rarely are able to locate their biological parents. Part of Asian culture I guess. Girls were the throwaways. Do I hate my biological parents, no. They must have had their reasons for what they did. Does it make it hurt any less, no. No one wants to be abandoned, regardless of the reason. The bf constantly reassures me that I am more than enough.
Another fear I have that people I love leave me. I’ve dealt with my share of heartbreak losing many people I love; my mother, brother, grandfather & grandmother, aunt, etc. Because of this fear I often put up walls and am terrified to get close to anyone, in the fear they will die and leave me too.
Sharing these fears with the bf hasn’t been easy. It’s scary to be vulerable. To share my true feelings and fears. But as he’s reassured me in doing so it becomes a shared burden. I no longer have to suffer alone.
Life sure has a way of changing in an instant. The last time I posted it was right after R and I broke up. I hate to admit it but I was devastated. The first relationship after divorce was a necessary evil. Did I honestly believe that it would be the end all be all, no. Looking back I realize now I was trying to make it something it was not.
So, flash forward to now… Almost 5 months later. I’m in a relationship with a great guy. We met just randomly, online. After chatting for a bit we decided to meet and from then have been pretty much inseparable. He is what my soul has always looked for, but never found. For the first time I can be myself, silly, a spaz, a worrier, and he loves me for all of it. We both have baggage we bring to the table from our past relationships but it’s the first time I’ve been in a healthy relationship where we actually talk, and communicate. We set goals together, and actually accomplish them together.
For the past month he’s been in Hawaii for work and I won’t lie, it’s been tough. I’ve struggled. I miss h terribly, but with him being gone I think if anything it’s helped us get better at communicating and really appreciating each other. Before he left I gave him letters for him to open each day while he’s gone. Each letter tells him another reason why I love him. It’s been fun to FaceTime with him each day while he opens his envelope. Just something special the two of us share together.
So, where does it go from here, we’ll see. For now, I’m just enjoying the ride.
I want to believe I’m love. At one point in my life I did. Nowadays I’m not so sure. When I was younger I always thought love was undying devotion, the huge grand gesture, but is that really love?
It kills me to say it but I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll never find that one special someone. I’m afraid of being vulnerable again. I’m afraid that to put myself out there again. Above all I’m afraid I won’t ever find love again. I know it’s ridiculous, but that’s how I feel.
Marriage is hard.
There I said it. The one thing no one wants to admit. But you know what, I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. I know of TONS of people who feel the same way that I do.
I’m not naive enough to think marriage is going to be a walk in the park, and that everyone gets the fairy tale ending. (Even as awesome as that would be… right?) Sorry tangent there.
Anyways, marriage is having a partner, someone you can talk to, depend on, someone to truly share your life with. The one that will put you first, that will love you with their whole heart, that will try to laugh more than they make you cry… right? What if that isn’t necessarily the case?
I guess in a perfect world that’s what marriage would be like. But in the real world we are all over worked and exhausted, we hardly have time to eat, sleep, and work….and due to that things often fall to the wayside.
I miss intimacy that we once had. I miss feeling his kiss, making him smile and laugh, I miss what we once were.
So where do we go from here? I’m not one to throw in the towel… but I feel the longer I ignore these feelings the more I sacrifice my own happiness.
The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him. But when did HIS feelings take precedence over my own?
I am so confused as to what I should do…
Being with you made me learn more:
- About myself: you taught me so many things about myself I didn’t know. You taught me to see the big picture, while also seeing the small details. You showed me that there is so much more to life; life is made up of experiences, people, places, food, culture, etc. and to live we should take the time to experience and appreciate those things.
- About love: you taught me what it is like to love someone else completely and whole heartedly. To love them with all their faults. Love them through the highs and lows that life throws at you. Love them even when you can’t stand to look at them.
- About being selfless: teaching me that it is ok to let someone else “win” the fight. To also teach me to think about someone else’s needs/wants before my own.
- About being confidant: teaching me to find my voice and the confidence to use it. To trust myself, my experiences, my knowledge, and my words, and to not let fear and anxiety dictate my life.
- About my inner strength: teaching and showing me that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be, that even in my darkest moments I can rise and overcome.
- About heartbreak: teaching me that love sometimes ends, and at the time it may feel like the world is ending, but eventually a person can move on, and even love again.
And it is with these things I have to thank you, because without you I wouldn’t have learned these things about myself.
- Be honest: honesty is one of those things that is a non-negotiable with me. I am always honest, almost to my own detriment. If you lie to me, you’re dead to me. End of story.
- Be genuine: there are too many fake people in the world. Be real. Be you. Uniqueness is what differentiates us from the masses.
- Be caring: I used to think that being caring was a sign of weakness, now I realize that being caring towards others is one of the greatest gifts we can give others.
- Be spontaneous: being spontaneous means we’re alive and living, experiencing things, making memories, and whatnot.
- Be there: I tend to overanalyze things in my life and often need to vent/rant/talk through things. Sometimes it means listening, sometimes it’s giving me a hug amd telling me everything will be okay, most importantly it is just knowing you’re always there for me when I need you.