Tag Archives: life

Cautious Optimism…

Is it bad to say I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop with the new relationship? Although new, things are going well with the new guy I’ve been dating. He provides me with a sense of peace that I haven’t felt in a long time. He likes me, and tells me so, often. He shows genuine enthusiasm and excitement to talk with me and see me.

And yet, if experience has taught me anything the other shoe inevitably drops, usually when we least expect it.

So, do I carry on, saying to hell with whatever happens… or do I live in the constant fear of the unknown.

It may seem easy to say… don’t sweat the small stuff. Live, enjoy the ride, worrying won’t change anything, but that’s easier said than done.

Recently when talking to friend he said this relationship is just shiny and new, and after the initial excitement wears off we’re bound to fall into the same rut as most people do. What’s more we’re both divorced and relationships (or marriages) after a divorce are doomed to fail. I assured him that wouldn’t be the case, but I have to say his words stuck with me, as much as I hate to admit it.

I don’t want to be cynical. I don’t want to doubt. But what if he’s right?

After much thought on it I’ve decided for my own sanity and peace of mind I’m just proceeding with cautious optimism. Take it slow. Trust my instincts. And maybe this relationship works out, maybe it doesn’t. But I can’t spend the rest of my life avoiding life (and love) with the fear of “what if”. Because that’s not living. I’ve spent too much time wasting my life, avoiding life, and I’m tired of it. Sometimes you just have to take the leap of faith.

Dating… 

I admit one of my biggest fears when we decided to divorce was the fear of dating again. I know it sounds silly… but it’s true. It’s scary to be vulerable again. Opening yourself up to someone new is terrifying, at least to me. I admit it, I’m shy by nature and I hate talking about myself. 

But surprisingly I’ve found someone. And I can honestly say I’m ridiculously happy. Now it wasn’t easy finding someone, in fact I had to wade through quite a bit of crap to find this one.  But it’s so refreshing to be with someone who is happy, excited even, to be with me. Who knows how this will play out, but for now I’m so beyond happy I can’t even. And that’s ok. 

Doubt…

It’s amazing how one thing can cause you to question and doubt everything… And worst of all; doubt yourself. 

Doubt is a sneaky bastard. You don’t realize it has a grasp on you until it’s too late. It’s not like it announces it’s arrival, or is easily recognized. 

For me acknowledging things were not working with my husband made me doubt everything, especially myself. I questioned everything. Was it my fault? Did I say or do something that caused the implosion? Was it because I was no longer desirable? Or worse yet, was I ever desirable to him? 

It’s hard to explain how you lose yourself piece by piece when struggling these types of thoughts and feelings. Truth be told it took me a long time to realize that although things weren’t working between my husband and myself the blame or responsibility did not rest solely on my own shoulders. That his actions, or inaction, was a large factor in my unhappiness. 

What does the future hold? I honestly don’t know. But what I do know is I happy to know that although it was tough I will be happier in the end by walking away than staying and becoming an empty shell of a person. 

Change… 

A lot has happened in the past few months.

  • I moved out of the townhouse.  
  • We put the house on the market
  • Had 12 offers and after some consideration accepted an offer after the house was on the market for less than 24 hours.
  • I’m in the process of filing for divorce.

With all the change happening it often feels like a whirlwind. 

At times when I stop and reflect I think… This isn’t supposed to be what my life is at this point of my life. Shouldn’t I be settled down with a family enjoying life? And yet I’m soon to be single again and to be honest it terrifies me. I’ve never been one to “need” a man, but appreciated having one by my side. To have that absence is hard at times, after getting used to that feeling.  But as I tell myself there is nothing wrong with being single. If I’m meant to be with someone it will happen. Why spend time and effort on something out of my control.  I was tired of pretending that everything was ok, when really it wasn’t. I was tired of living in a loveless marriage thinking that was what I deserved. 

So yes change is scary, terrifying even… but what’s scarier than that? Regret. I never want to look back on my life and think I wasted it. 

My Little Piece of Immortality…?

I’ve never been a woman whose biological clock has ruled my life. I was always of the mindset that if I was destined to have kids, great. If not, then that’s what was meant to be.  

However, more and more it makes me sad not having any children of my own. When questioned by friends or family members I always joke saying my students are more than enough kids in my life… but the truth (which I’ve just recently come to realize and accept) is I want a child, or children of my own. 

Maybe it’s because I was adopted. Although I new my parents loved me, I never really felt like TRUE family. I couldn’t say well I have my mom’s eyes or my dad’s hair color because I honestly know nothing about my birth parents. 
Is it selfish to want a family of my own that I can build traditions with and have my own little piece of immortality that will love on once I am gone? To have my family legacy carried on to the next generations and so on…

Sure there is always adoption… and we could always try IVF but both options are prohibitively expensive and are not always a gurantee. 

So, for now I guess I’ll have to continue settling being a teacher of many, but a mother to none. 

Marriage…

Marriage is hard.

There I said it. The one thing no one wants to admit. But you know what, I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. I know of TONS of people who feel the same way that I do. 

I’m not naive enough to think marriage is going to be a walk in the park, and that everyone gets the fairy tale ending. (Even as awesome as that would be… right?) Sorry tangent there. 

Anyways, marriage is having a partner, someone you can talk to, depend on, someone to truly share your life with. The one that will put you first, that will love you with their whole heart, that will try to laugh more than they make you cry… right? What if that isn’t necessarily the case?

I guess in a perfect world that’s what marriage would be like. But in the real world we are all over worked and exhausted, we hardly have time to eat, sleep, and work….and due to that things often fall to the wayside. 

I miss intimacy that we once had. I miss feeling his kiss, making him smile and laugh, I miss what we once were. 

So where do we go from here? I’m not one to throw in the towel… but I feel the longer I ignore these feelings the more I sacrifice my own happiness. 

The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him. But when did HIS feelings take precedence over my own? 

I am so confused as to what I should do… 

Trying to Find Balance…

I know I speak for most teachers when I say I ALWAYS bring work home with me. Teaching is probably one of the few professions that stretches beyond the typical 9-5 jobs (or 8:25-3:35 in my case).

In the past I’ve often let school work take over my life… writing lesson plans, grading paper, etc. I end up running myself ragged and in turn much of my personal life falls apart as a consequence. 

This year I’m trying to find a better balance in ny life, both professionally and personally. I am trying to make a better effort in reconnecting with friends, do putting more time into my hobbies and interests, and above all taking time for myself. 

With that decision it basically comes down to the fact of saying no. Saying no to things. I cannot do it all, nor should I be expected to do so. And you know what, I’m ok with that fact. I always thought by saying no meant you were admitting you were less of something… but honestly that is crap. Saying no is showing you value your time and others should to.