Fear. For so long I’ve let it dictate my life. One thing I will say is the bf has been amazing being my rock. He’s encouraged me to open up and share my fears with him. While it hasn’t been easy for me it’s been refreshing to share my fears and insecurities with him. As we all know it’s scary to be vulnerable to another person, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past. Will they use these fears against me? I can honestly say the bf won’t. He genuinely wants to help me.
One of my biggest fears has always been that I am not enough. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. And so on. It may seem silly to have this fear. I project the image of being a strong, independent woman, but that’s hardly the case. I think my fear of being not enough has always stemmed from the fact I am adopted. I’ve always questioned why I was abandoned in an alley, left to die by my biological parents. Thankfully they had enough foresight to leave me outside of an orphanage, in the hopes I would be found. I’m one of the lucky ones that was eventually adopted. There are many who were not as lucky. I always ask myself what was the reason I was abandoned. Was it because I wasn’t what they wanted? Was it because I was a girl? Why? Sadly I don’t think I’ll ever have the answer to those questions. Girls in S. Korea who were abandoned very rarely are able to locate their biological parents. Part of Asian culture I guess. Girls were the throwaways. Do I hate my biological parents, no. They must have had their reasons for what they did. Does it make it hurt any less, no. No one wants to be abandoned, regardless of the reason. The bf constantly reassures me that I am more than enough.
Another fear I have that people I love leave me. I’ve dealt with my share of heartbreak losing many people I love; my mother, brother, grandfather & grandmother, aunt, etc. Because of this fear I often put up walls and am terrified to get close to anyone, in the fear they will die and leave me too.
Sharing these fears with the bf hasn’t been easy. It’s scary to be vulerable. To share my true feelings and fears. But as he’s reassured me in doing so it becomes a shared burden. I no longer have to suffer alone.
Life sure has a way of changing in an instant. The last time I posted it was right after R and I broke up. I hate to admit it but I was devastated. The first relationship after divorce was a necessary evil. Did I honestly believe that it would be the end all be all, no. Looking back I realize now I was trying to make it something it was not.
So, flash forward to now… Almost 5 months later. I’m in a relationship with a great guy. We met just randomly, online. After chatting for a bit we decided to meet and from then have been pretty much inseparable. He is what my soul has always looked for, but never found. For the first time I can be myself, silly, a spaz, a worrier, and he loves me for all of it. We both have baggage we bring to the table from our past relationships but it’s the first time I’ve been in a healthy relationship where we actually talk, and communicate. We set goals together, and actually accomplish them together.
For the past month he’s been in Hawaii for work and I won’t lie, it’s been tough. I’ve struggled. I miss h terribly, but with him being gone I think if anything it’s helped us get better at communicating and really appreciating each other. Before he left I gave him letters for him to open each day while he’s gone. Each letter tells him another reason why I love him. It’s been fun to FaceTime with him each day while he opens his envelope. Just something special the two of us share together.
So, where does it go from here, we’ll see. For now, I’m just enjoying the ride.
Is it bad to say I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop with the new relationship? Although new, things are going well with the new guy I’ve been dating. He provides me with a sense of peace that I haven’t felt in a long time. He likes me, and tells me so, often. He shows genuine enthusiasm and excitement to talk with me and see me.
And yet, if experience has taught me anything the other shoe inevitably drops, usually when we least expect it.
So, do I carry on, saying to hell with whatever happens… or do I live in the constant fear of the unknown.
It may seem easy to say… don’t sweat the small stuff. Live, enjoy the ride, worrying won’t change anything, but that’s easier said than done.
Recently when talking to friend he said this relationship is just shiny and new, and after the initial excitement wears off we’re bound to fall into the same rut as most people do. What’s more we’re both divorced and relationships (or marriages) after a divorce are doomed to fail. I assured him that wouldn’t be the case, but I have to say his words stuck with me, as much as I hate to admit it.
I don’t want to be cynical. I don’t want to doubt. But what if he’s right?
After much thought on it I’ve decided for my own sanity and peace of mind I’m just proceeding with cautious optimism. Take it slow. Trust my instincts. And maybe this relationship works out, maybe it doesn’t. But I can’t spend the rest of my life avoiding life (and love) with the fear of “what if”. Because that’s not living. I’ve spent too much time wasting my life, avoiding life, and I’m tired of it. Sometimes you just have to take the leap of faith.
I admit one of my biggest fears when we decided to divorce was the fear of dating again. I know it sounds silly… but it’s true. It’s scary to be vulerable again. Opening yourself up to someone new is terrifying, at least to me. I admit it, I’m shy by nature and I hate talking about myself.
But surprisingly I’ve found someone. And I can honestly say I’m ridiculously happy. Now it wasn’t easy finding someone, in fact I had to wade through quite a bit of crap to find this one. But it’s so refreshing to be with someone who is happy, excited even, to be with me. Who knows how this will play out, but for now I’m so beyond happy I can’t even. And that’s ok.
It’s amazing how one thing can cause you to question and doubt everything… And worst of all; doubt yourself.
Doubt is a sneaky bastard. You don’t realize it has a grasp on you until it’s too late. It’s not like it announces it’s arrival, or is easily recognized.
For me acknowledging things were not working with my husband made me doubt everything, especially myself. I questioned everything. Was it my fault? Did I say or do something that caused the implosion? Was it because I was no longer desirable? Or worse yet, was I ever desirable to him?
It’s hard to explain how you lose yourself piece by piece when struggling these types of thoughts and feelings. Truth be told it took me a long time to realize that although things weren’t working between my husband and myself the blame or responsibility did not rest solely on my own shoulders. That his actions, or inaction, was a large factor in my unhappiness.
What does the future hold? I honestly don’t know. But what I do know is I happy to know that although it was tough I will be happier in the end by walking away than staying and becoming an empty shell of a person.
A lot has happened in the past few months.
- I moved out of the townhouse.
- We put the house on the market
- Had 12 offers and after some consideration accepted an offer after the house was on the market for less than 24 hours.
- I’m in the process of filing for divorce.
With all the change happening it often feels like a whirlwind.
At times when I stop and reflect I think… This isn’t supposed to be what my life is at this point of my life. Shouldn’t I be settled down with a family enjoying life? And yet I’m soon to be single again and to be honest it terrifies me. I’ve never been one to “need” a man, but appreciated having one by my side. To have that absence is hard at times, after getting used to that feeling. But as I tell myself there is nothing wrong with being single. If I’m meant to be with someone it will happen. Why spend time and effort on something out of my control. I was tired of pretending that everything was ok, when really it wasn’t. I was tired of living in a loveless marriage thinking that was what I deserved.
So yes change is scary, terrifying even… but what’s scarier than that? Regret. I never want to look back on my life and think I wasted it.
I’ve never been a woman whose biological clock has ruled my life. I was always of the mindset that if I was destined to have kids, great. If not, then that’s what was meant to be.
However, more and more it makes me sad not having any children of my own. When questioned by friends or family members I always joke saying my students are more than enough kids in my life… but the truth (which I’ve just recently come to realize and accept) is I want a child, or children of my own.
Maybe it’s because I was adopted. Although I new my parents loved me, I never really felt like TRUE family. I couldn’t say well I have my mom’s eyes or my dad’s hair color because I honestly know nothing about my birth parents.
Is it selfish to want a family of my own that I can build traditions with and have my own little piece of immortality that will love on once I am gone? To have my family legacy carried on to the next generations and so on…
Sure there is always adoption… and we could always try IVF but both options are prohibitively expensive and are not always a gurantee.
So, for now I guess I’ll have to continue settling being a teacher of many, but a mother to none.