Fear. For so long I’ve let it dictate my life. One thing I will say is the bf has been amazing being my rock. He’s encouraged me to open up and share my fears with him. While it hasn’t been easy for me it’s been refreshing to share my fears and insecurities with him. As we all know it’s scary to be vulnerable to another person, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past. Will they use these fears against me? I can honestly say the bf won’t. He genuinely wants to help me.
One of my biggest fears has always been that I am not enough. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. And so on. It may seem silly to have this fear. I project the image of being a strong, independent woman, but that’s hardly the case. I think my fear of being not enough has always stemmed from the fact I am adopted. I’ve always questioned why I was abandoned in an alley, left to die by my biological parents. Thankfully they had enough foresight to leave me outside of an orphanage, in the hopes I would be found. I’m one of the lucky ones that was eventually adopted. There are many who were not as lucky. I always ask myself what was the reason I was abandoned. Was it because I wasn’t what they wanted? Was it because I was a girl? Why? Sadly I don’t think I’ll ever have the answer to those questions. Girls in S. Korea who were abandoned very rarely are able to locate their biological parents. Part of Asian culture I guess. Girls were the throwaways. Do I hate my biological parents, no. They must have had their reasons for what they did. Does it make it hurt any less, no. No one wants to be abandoned, regardless of the reason. The bf constantly reassures me that I am more than enough.
Another fear I have that people I love leave me. I’ve dealt with my share of heartbreak losing many people I love; my mother, brother, grandfather & grandmother, aunt, etc. Because of this fear I often put up walls and am terrified to get close to anyone, in the fear they will die and leave me too.
Sharing these fears with the bf hasn’t been easy. It’s scary to be vulerable. To share my true feelings and fears. But as he’s reassured me in doing so it becomes a shared burden. I no longer have to suffer alone.
Is it bad to say I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop with the new relationship? Although new, things are going well with the new guy I’ve been dating. He provides me with a sense of peace that I haven’t felt in a long time. He likes me, and tells me so, often. He shows genuine enthusiasm and excitement to talk with me and see me.
And yet, if experience has taught me anything the other shoe inevitably drops, usually when we least expect it.
So, do I carry on, saying to hell with whatever happens… or do I live in the constant fear of the unknown.
It may seem easy to say… don’t sweat the small stuff. Live, enjoy the ride, worrying won’t change anything, but that’s easier said than done.
Recently when talking to friend he said this relationship is just shiny and new, and after the initial excitement wears off we’re bound to fall into the same rut as most people do. What’s more we’re both divorced and relationships (or marriages) after a divorce are doomed to fail. I assured him that wouldn’t be the case, but I have to say his words stuck with me, as much as I hate to admit it.
I don’t want to be cynical. I don’t want to doubt. But what if he’s right?
After much thought on it I’ve decided for my own sanity and peace of mind I’m just proceeding with cautious optimism. Take it slow. Trust my instincts. And maybe this relationship works out, maybe it doesn’t. But I can’t spend the rest of my life avoiding life (and love) with the fear of “what if”. Because that’s not living. I’ve spent too much time wasting my life, avoiding life, and I’m tired of it. Sometimes you just have to take the leap of faith.
I admit one of my biggest fears when we decided to divorce was the fear of dating again. I know it sounds silly… but it’s true. It’s scary to be vulerable again. Opening yourself up to someone new is terrifying, at least to me. I admit it, I’m shy by nature and I hate talking about myself.
But surprisingly I’ve found someone. And I can honestly say I’m ridiculously happy. Now it wasn’t easy finding someone, in fact I had to wade through quite a bit of crap to find this one. But it’s so refreshing to be with someone who is happy, excited even, to be with me. Who knows how this will play out, but for now I’m so beyond happy I can’t even. And that’s ok.
I want to believe I’m love. At one point in my life I did. Nowadays I’m not so sure. When I was younger I always thought love was undying devotion, the huge grand gesture, but is that really love?
It kills me to say it but I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll never find that one special someone. I’m afraid of being vulnerable again. I’m afraid that to put myself out there again. Above all I’m afraid I won’t ever find love again. I know it’s ridiculous, but that’s how I feel.
More and more the world seems to going to hell in a hand basket; gun related crimes, hate crimes, bombings, it never ends. Everytime I listen to the news I want to climb back and bed, pull the covers over my head, and pretend it’s not happening. But this is the real world and fear is something we can’t escape. It’s ever present.
I’ll be the first to admit I am afraid of many things (practically phobic of some) but more than anything I fear the unknown. I am a planner through and through. I make lists in my head, in my sleep, practically without thinking about it. I am the person that wants to see the whole picture while also thinking of all the tiny details. When something unknown arises, something unexpected, my first instinct is often let fear overcome me. To become paralyzed by that fear, but I saw a meme recently that said you have 2 choices with fear…
- Forget everything and run
- Face everything and rise
So with fear, you can let it consume you, let it dictate your life and your choices or you can face it. Often time when we face our fears it’s not nearly as bad as we thought it would be. It’s through our mistakes, our calculated risks, our experiences we grow and learn.