My Little Piece of Immortality…?

I’ve never been a woman whose biological clock has ruled my life. I was always of the mindset that if I was destined to have kids, great. If not, then that’s what was meant to be.  

However, more and more it makes me sad not having any children of my own. When questioned by friends or family members I always joke saying my students are more than enough kids in my life… but the truth (which I’ve just recently come to realize and accept) is I want a child, or children of my own. 

Maybe it’s because I was adopted. Although I new my parents loved me, I never really felt like TRUE family. I couldn’t say well I have my mom’s eyes or my dad’s hair color because I honestly know nothing about my birth parents. 
Is it selfish to want a family of my own that I can build traditions with and have my own little piece of immortality that will love on once I am gone? To have my family legacy carried on to the next generations and so on…

Sure there is always adoption… and we could always try IVF but both options are prohibitively expensive and are not always a gurantee. 

So, for now I guess I’ll have to continue settling being a teacher of many, but a mother to none. 

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Marriage…

Marriage is hard.

There I said it. The one thing no one wants to admit. But you know what, I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. I know of TONS of people who feel the same way that I do. 

I’m not naive enough to think marriage is going to be a walk in the park, and that everyone gets the fairy tale ending. (Even as awesome as that would be… right?) Sorry tangent there. 

Anyways, marriage is having a partner, someone you can talk to, depend on, someone to truly share your life with. The one that will put you first, that will love you with their whole heart, that will try to laugh more than they make you cry… right? What if that isn’t necessarily the case?

I guess in a perfect world that’s what marriage would be like. But in the real world we are all over worked and exhausted, we hardly have time to eat, sleep, and work….and due to that things often fall to the wayside. 

I miss intimacy that we once had. I miss feeling his kiss, making him smile and laugh, I miss what we once were. 

So where do we go from here? I’m not one to throw in the towel… but I feel the longer I ignore these feelings the more I sacrifice my own happiness. 

The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him. But when did HIS feelings take precedence over my own? 

I am so confused as to what I should do… 

Trying to Find Balance…

I know I speak for most teachers when I say I ALWAYS bring work home with me. Teaching is probably one of the few professions that stretches beyond the typical 9-5 jobs (or 8:25-3:35 in my case).

In the past I’ve often let school work take over my life… writing lesson plans, grading paper, etc. I end up running myself ragged and in turn much of my personal life falls apart as a consequence. 

This year I’m trying to find a better balance in ny life, both professionally and personally. I am trying to make a better effort in reconnecting with friends, do putting more time into my hobbies and interests, and above all taking time for myself. 

With that decision it basically comes down to the fact of saying no. Saying no to things. I cannot do it all, nor should I be expected to do so. And you know what, I’m ok with that fact. I always thought by saying no meant you were admitting you were less of something… but honestly that is crap. Saying no is showing you value your time and others should to. 

Me Before You…

For the longest time I’ve had friends and family members tell me I should read this book. It was always on my kindle queue or my must read book list, but for some reason I kept delaying reading it. I think largely in part due to the subject matter presented in the book: assisted suicide. 

I know religious people say suicide is a mortal sin, and those that make that choice are forever doomed to hell. Also, anyone that helps, or assists, is considered a murderer. 

But what would you do… if you, like the main character had a debilitating injury that left you in chronic pain and a lifetime of sickness and you are forced to watch your body deteriorate in front of you. I can’t say I blame the character for his choice. While it is not something I would choose who am I to decide what is best for someone else. Because essentially that is the heart of the matter.

It is their choice. 

Or if it would be you in that position it would be your choice, no one else’s. 

Suicide, like death, has a rippling effect. We cannot always know the effect our death has upon others.

I hope I am never in the position where I would feel the need to commit suicide or be asked by another to help them end their life. 

I guess the take away from the book is even if you don’t agree with someone’s decision (assisted suicide) be there for them and express your feelings honestly. 

Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder…

What is beauty?

I’ve never considered myself beautiful. Cute, yes. Quirky, yes. But beautiful, no. 

Growing up I was always told my sister was the hot one, or beautiful one when people compared the two of us. After awhile I started to believe it.  

Being one of the few Asians in WV was tough. Cultural identify was hard to understand. My parents tried their best to educate me about the korean culture, but for the longest time I thought I was white. I didn’t realize I was different from everyone else. (Seems crazy I know). As I grew older the reality hit me. Most people were accepting of my differences, but there were/are always close-minded assholes out there. I frequently remember being asked if I spoke English or asked why I my eyes didn’t open up all the way…I was embarassed of who I was. 

Now that I’m older I realize that it is my differences that make me special, unique even. So what if I don’t look like everyone else. So what if I’m not a size 2. I’ve finally accepted my differences and have learned to celebrate them. 

Dreams…

I don’t often remember my dreams once I wake up but from time to time I am able to remember bits and pieces of them. People say dreams are a way for us to work out what our conscious brain cannot. I wonder if that is true…

I’ll admit I am an overthinker and I am a planner. Combine the two of those things together can and does often lead to disaster. The older I get the more I try to “go with the flow” and (try) not to stress over all the small details. I’m learning that worrying and anxiety doesn’t help anything… if anything it causes me to become MORE stressed.

Occasionally I’ll have a dream that is much like a premonition. It’s odd to experience my dream later. I wouldn’t ever say I’m psychic but there have been a few times when I have dreamed of something happening before it did. 

There are also times when I have the strongest sense of deja vu. That I’ve lived through or experiences that feeling, event, etc. before. It’s hard to describe the feeling, but there is definitely an acknowledgement that I’ve experiences it before. 

Maybe I’m just weird… but maybe we all have different level of consciousness we experience through our dreams, premonitions, and deja vu. 

Ghosts…

We are surrounded with ghosts every day.

It may sound like a weird sentiment but it’s true. I don’t mean ghosts, like in scary movies but rather ghosts of our past…memories. 

Every now and then things trigger a memory; a song, a picture, and place, etc. At times the feeling is so strong it’s almost like reliving it and can be overwhelming. I strongly believe who we are today is due to our life path, all the decisions we’ve made, the things we have done, and even the mistakes we’ve made (the good, bad, and ugly) define who we are today. 

Is it bad to reminisce, of course not. To remember and cherish memories is part of life. But we also cannot allow ourselves to become consumed by them, so much so we are not able to love and appreicate our current life. 

“It does not do to dwell in the past and forget to live.” 

– Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter series)

I am fortunate to have been provided with the opportunities that I have had in my life. Like many, I’ve had my share of setback, disappointments, and even loss. However, I feel that living through these things has made me a (hopefully) better and stronger person.