I want to believe I’m love. At one point in my life I did. Nowadays I’m not so sure. When I was younger I always thought love was undying devotion, the huge grand gesture, but is that really love?
It kills me to say it but I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll never find that one special someone. I’m afraid of being vulnerable again. I’m afraid that to put myself out there again. Above all I’m afraid I won’t ever find love again. I know it’s ridiculous, but that’s how I feel.
A lot has happened in the past few months.
- I moved out of the townhouse.
- We put the house on the market
- Had 12 offers and after some consideration accepted an offer after the house was on the market for less than 24 hours.
- I’m in the process of filing for divorce.
With all the change happening it often feels like a whirlwind.
At times when I stop and reflect I think… This isn’t supposed to be what my life is at this point of my life. Shouldn’t I be settled down with a family enjoying life? And yet I’m soon to be single again and to be honest it terrifies me. I’ve never been one to “need” a man, but appreciated having one by my side. To have that absence is hard at times, after getting used to that feeling. But as I tell myself there is nothing wrong with being single. If I’m meant to be with someone it will happen. Why spend time and effort on something out of my control. I was tired of pretending that everything was ok, when really it wasn’t. I was tired of living in a loveless marriage thinking that was what I deserved.
So yes change is scary, terrifying even… but what’s scarier than that? Regret. I never want to look back on my life and think I wasted it.
Let me be the first to say I LOVE the holidays! Seeing the lights, feeling the cold/crisp air, the anticipation and general sense of goodwill towards others… what’s not to like?
All the being said this year Christmas feels different. I hate to say it but it feels like we’re just going through the motions. Our tree is up, but not decorated. The gifts are bought, but not wrapped. Instead of anticipation of Christmas it just depresses me.
I think more than anything I know what the new year will bring… whether I’m ready for it or not.
Change is coming…
I’ve never been a woman whose biological clock has ruled my life. I was always of the mindset that if I was destined to have kids, great. If not, then that’s what was meant to be.
However, more and more it makes me sad not having any children of my own. When questioned by friends or family members I always joke saying my students are more than enough kids in my life… but the truth (which I’ve just recently come to realize and accept) is I want a child, or children of my own.
Maybe it’s because I was adopted. Although I new my parents loved me, I never really felt like TRUE family. I couldn’t say well I have my mom’s eyes or my dad’s hair color because I honestly know nothing about my birth parents.
Is it selfish to want a family of my own that I can build traditions with and have my own little piece of immortality that will love on once I am gone? To have my family legacy carried on to the next generations and so on…
Sure there is always adoption… and we could always try IVF but both options are prohibitively expensive and are not always a gurantee.
So, for now I guess I’ll have to continue settling being a teacher of many, but a mother to none.
Marriage is hard.
There I said it. The one thing no one wants to admit. But you know what, I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. I know of TONS of people who feel the same way that I do.
I’m not naive enough to think marriage is going to be a walk in the park, and that everyone gets the fairy tale ending. (Even as awesome as that would be… right?) Sorry tangent there.
Anyways, marriage is having a partner, someone you can talk to, depend on, someone to truly share your life with. The one that will put you first, that will love you with their whole heart, that will try to laugh more than they make you cry… right? What if that isn’t necessarily the case?
I guess in a perfect world that’s what marriage would be like. But in the real world we are all over worked and exhausted, we hardly have time to eat, sleep, and work….and due to that things often fall to the wayside.
I miss intimacy that we once had. I miss feeling his kiss, making him smile and laugh, I miss what we once were.
So where do we go from here? I’m not one to throw in the towel… but I feel the longer I ignore these feelings the more I sacrifice my own happiness.
The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him. But when did HIS feelings take precedence over my own?
I am so confused as to what I should do…
I know I speak for most teachers when I say I ALWAYS bring work home with me. Teaching is probably one of the few professions that stretches beyond the typical 9-5 jobs (or 8:25-3:35 in my case).
In the past I’ve often let school work take over my life… writing lesson plans, grading paper, etc. I end up running myself ragged and in turn much of my personal life falls apart as a consequence.
This year I’m trying to find a better balance in ny life, both professionally and personally. I am trying to make a better effort in reconnecting with friends, do putting more time into my hobbies and interests, and above all taking time for myself.
With that decision it basically comes down to the fact of saying no. Saying no to things. I cannot do it all, nor should I be expected to do so. And you know what, I’m ok with that fact. I always thought by saying no meant you were admitting you were less of something… but honestly that is crap. Saying no is showing you value your time and others should to.
For the longest time I’ve had friends and family members tell me I should read this book. It was always on my kindle queue or my must read book list, but for some reason I kept delaying reading it. I think largely in part due to the subject matter presented in the book: assisted suicide.
I know religious people say suicide is a mortal sin, and those that make that choice are forever doomed to hell. Also, anyone that helps, or assists, is considered a murderer.
But what would you do… if you, like the main character had a debilitating injury that left you in chronic pain and a lifetime of sickness and you are forced to watch your body deteriorate in front of you. I can’t say I blame the character for his choice. While it is not something I would choose who am I to decide what is best for someone else. Because essentially that is the heart of the matter.
It is their choice.
Or if it would be you in that position it would be your choice, no one else’s.
Suicide, like death, has a rippling effect. We cannot always know the effect our death has upon others.
I hope I am never in the position where I would feel the need to commit suicide or be asked by another to help them end their life.
I guess the take away from the book is even if you don’t agree with someone’s decision (assisted suicide) be there for them and express your feelings honestly.