Category Archives: Uncategorized

Cautious Optimism…

Is it bad to say I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop with the new relationship? Although new, things are going well with the new guy I’ve been dating. He provides me with a sense of peace that I haven’t felt in a long time. He likes me, and tells me so, often. He shows genuine enthusiasm and excitement to talk with me and see me.

And yet, if experience has taught me anything the other shoe inevitably drops, usually when we least expect it.

So, do I carry on, saying to hell with whatever happens… or do I live in the constant fear of the unknown.

It may seem easy to say… don’t sweat the small stuff. Live, enjoy the ride, worrying won’t change anything, but that’s easier said than done.

Recently when talking to friend he said this relationship is just shiny and new, and after the initial excitement wears off we’re bound to fall into the same rut as most people do. What’s more we’re both divorced and relationships (or marriages) after a divorce are doomed to fail. I assured him that wouldn’t be the case, but I have to say his words stuck with me, as much as I hate to admit it.

I don’t want to be cynical. I don’t want to doubt. But what if he’s right?

After much thought on it I’ve decided for my own sanity and peace of mind I’m just proceeding with cautious optimism. Take it slow. Trust my instincts. And maybe this relationship works out, maybe it doesn’t. But I can’t spend the rest of my life avoiding life (and love) with the fear of “what if”. Because that’s not living. I’ve spent too much time wasting my life, avoiding life, and I’m tired of it. Sometimes you just have to take the leap of faith.

Dating… 

I admit one of my biggest fears when we decided to divorce was the fear of dating again. I know it sounds silly… but it’s true. It’s scary to be vulerable again. Opening yourself up to someone new is terrifying, at least to me. I admit it, I’m shy by nature and I hate talking about myself. 

But surprisingly I’ve found someone. And I can honestly say I’m ridiculously happy. Now it wasn’t easy finding someone, in fact I had to wade through quite a bit of crap to find this one.  But it’s so refreshing to be with someone who is happy, excited even, to be with me. Who knows how this will play out, but for now I’m so beyond happy I can’t even. And that’s ok. 

Doubt…

It’s amazing how one thing can cause you to question and doubt everything… And worst of all; doubt yourself. 

Doubt is a sneaky bastard. You don’t realize it has a grasp on you until it’s too late. It’s not like it announces it’s arrival, or is easily recognized. 

For me acknowledging things were not working with my husband made me doubt everything, especially myself. I questioned everything. Was it my fault? Did I say or do something that caused the implosion? Was it because I was no longer desirable? Or worse yet, was I ever desirable to him? 

It’s hard to explain how you lose yourself piece by piece when struggling these types of thoughts and feelings. Truth be told it took me a long time to realize that although things weren’t working between my husband and myself the blame or responsibility did not rest solely on my own shoulders. That his actions, or inaction, was a large factor in my unhappiness. 

What does the future hold? I honestly don’t know. But what I do know is I happy to know that although it was tough I will be happier in the end by walking away than staying and becoming an empty shell of a person. 

What is Love…(baby don’t hurt me)

I want to believe I’m love.  At one point in my life I did. Nowadays I’m not so sure. When I was younger I always thought love was undying devotion, the huge grand gesture, but is that really love? 

It kills me to say it but I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll never find that one special someone. I’m afraid of being vulnerable again. I’m afraid that to put myself out there again. Above all I’m afraid I won’t ever find love again. I know it’s ridiculous, but that’s how I feel. 

Change… 

A lot has happened in the past few months.

  • I moved out of the townhouse.  
  • We put the house on the market
  • Had 12 offers and after some consideration accepted an offer after the house was on the market for less than 24 hours.
  • I’m in the process of filing for divorce.

With all the change happening it often feels like a whirlwind. 

At times when I stop and reflect I think… This isn’t supposed to be what my life is at this point of my life. Shouldn’t I be settled down with a family enjoying life? And yet I’m soon to be single again and to be honest it terrifies me. I’ve never been one to “need” a man, but appreciated having one by my side. To have that absence is hard at times, after getting used to that feeling.  But as I tell myself there is nothing wrong with being single. If I’m meant to be with someone it will happen. Why spend time and effort on something out of my control.  I was tired of pretending that everything was ok, when really it wasn’t. I was tired of living in a loveless marriage thinking that was what I deserved. 

So yes change is scary, terrifying even… but what’s scarier than that? Regret. I never want to look back on my life and think I wasted it. 

It’s Beginning to Look a lot Like….

Christmas? 

Let me be the first to say I LOVE the holidays! Seeing the lights, feeling the cold/crisp air, the anticipation and general sense of goodwill towards others… what’s not to like?

All the being said this year Christmas feels different. I hate to say it but it feels like we’re just going through the motions. Our tree is up, but not decorated.  The gifts are bought, but not wrapped. Instead of anticipation of Christmas it just depresses me. 

I think more than anything I know what the new year will bring… whether I’m ready for it or not. 

Change is coming… 

My Little Piece of Immortality…?

I’ve never been a woman whose biological clock has ruled my life. I was always of the mindset that if I was destined to have kids, great. If not, then that’s what was meant to be.  

However, more and more it makes me sad not having any children of my own. When questioned by friends or family members I always joke saying my students are more than enough kids in my life… but the truth (which I’ve just recently come to realize and accept) is I want a child, or children of my own. 

Maybe it’s because I was adopted. Although I new my parents loved me, I never really felt like TRUE family. I couldn’t say well I have my mom’s eyes or my dad’s hair color because I honestly know nothing about my birth parents. 
Is it selfish to want a family of my own that I can build traditions with and have my own little piece of immortality that will love on once I am gone? To have my family legacy carried on to the next generations and so on…

Sure there is always adoption… and we could always try IVF but both options are prohibitively expensive and are not always a gurantee. 

So, for now I guess I’ll have to continue settling being a teacher of many, but a mother to none.