Monthly Archives: March 2018

Being vulnerable…

Fear. For so long I’ve let it dictate my life. One thing I will say is the bf has been amazing being my rock. He’s encouraged me to open up and share my fears with him. While it hasn’t been easy for me it’s been refreshing to share my fears and insecurities with him. As we all know it’s scary to be vulnerable to another person, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past. Will they use these fears against me? I can honestly say the bf won’t. He genuinely wants to help me.

One of my biggest fears has always been that I am not enough. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. And so on. It may seem silly to have this fear. I project the image of being a strong, independent woman, but that’s hardly the case. I think my fear of being not enough has always stemmed from the fact I am adopted. I’ve always questioned why I was abandoned in an alley, left to die by my biological parents. Thankfully they had enough foresight to leave me outside of an orphanage, in the hopes I would be found. I’m one of the lucky ones that was eventually adopted. There are many who were not as lucky. I always ask myself what was the reason I was abandoned. Was it because I wasn’t what they wanted? Was it because I was a girl? Why? Sadly I don’t think I’ll ever have the answer to those questions. Girls in S. Korea who were abandoned very rarely are able to locate their biological parents. Part of Asian culture I guess. Girls were the throwaways. Do I hate my biological parents, no. They must have had their reasons for what they did. Does it make it hurt any less, no. No one wants to be abandoned, regardless of the reason. The bf constantly reassures me that I am more than enough.

Another fear I have that people I love leave me. I’ve dealt with my share of heartbreak losing many people I love; my mother, brother, grandfather & grandmother, aunt, etc. Because of this fear I often put up walls and am terrified to get close to anyone, in the fear they will die and leave me too.

Sharing these fears with the bf hasn’t been easy. It’s scary to be vulerable. To share my true feelings and fears. But as he’s reassured me in doing so it becomes a shared burden. I no longer have to suffer alone.

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Fear…

“What are you afraid of…” He asked me. Do I tell the truth and risk it all, or just brush it off as always.

“Everything,”

“Why?”

Why indeed.

I’m one that lives each day with anxiety. I fear the what- ifs of life. For much of my life I’ve let fear and anxiety rule and dictate my life, not by choice, but because that was the path of least resistance. The easy way out. I didn’t have to face my anxiety and fears. I could escape.

But he didn’t let me escape so easily.

“What’s the worse that can happen?”

“Everything.”

“How will you know, unless you try?”

Well shit. He’s got me there.

It may not be easy, but it will be worth it. Here’s hoping that’s the case.

Updates…

Life sure has a way of changing in an instant. The last time I posted it was right after R and I broke up. I hate to admit it but I was devastated. The first relationship after divorce was a necessary evil. Did I honestly believe that it would be the end all be all, no. Looking back I realize now I was trying to make it something it was not.

So, flash forward to now… Almost 5 months later. I’m in a relationship with a great guy. We met just randomly, online. After chatting for a bit we decided to meet and from then have been pretty much inseparable. He is what my soul has always looked for, but never found. For the first time I can be myself, silly, a spaz, a worrier, and he loves me for all of it. We both have baggage we bring to the table from our past relationships but it’s the first time I’ve been in a healthy relationship where we actually talk, and communicate. We set goals together, and actually accomplish them together.

For the past month he’s been in Hawaii for work and I won’t lie, it’s been tough. I’ve struggled. I miss h terribly, but with him being gone I think if anything it’s helped us get better at communicating and really appreciating each other. Before he left I gave him letters for him to open each day while he’s gone. Each letter tells him another reason why I love him. It’s been fun to FaceTime with him each day while he opens his envelope. Just something special the two of us share together.

So, where does it go from here, we’ll see. For now, I’m just enjoying the ride.